Children of the Corn (2009)
Reviewed by: Jeff Allard
Rating: 2 out of 10
Movie Details: View here
Cast:
David Anders as Burton Stanton
Kandyse McClure as Vicki
Daniel Newman as Malachai
Preston Bailey as Issac
Review:
Making a tense, scary movie from Stephen King's short story "Children of the Corn" (found in his Night Shift collection) ought to be one of the all-time no-brainers but apparently – judging by the fact that all eight films in the now twenty-five year-old (!) franchise are abysmal – it's impossible. Clearly, He Who Walks Behind The Rows needs to find a better agent because His career as a movie star has seen better days – although ‘better days' is a relative term when we're talking about the Children of the Corn films.
One of the producers on the original Children of the Corn, Donald P. Borchers, has returned to pull multiple duties on this remake as a writer/producer/director. While it might seem like this was a golden opportunity to correct the mistakes of the ’84 version, Borchers drops the ball in a big way.
Most egregious of the new film's missteps is its heavy-handed anti-religion slant. I have no problem with lambasting organized religion but the plodding way in which it's handled here without an ounce of subtlety is just too pedantic. When you have a group of kids who are following the marching orders of a deity who lives in the corn rows and who slaughter anyone over the age of eighteen to appease it, you're already off to a good start in the ‘Religion Sure Is Crazy' argument. You don't need to beat the horse too much to get your point across. However, the larger problem with using this story to make a case against religion is that the kids in this story are actually right – there really is a He Who Walks Behind The Rows. They're not killing in the name of a made-up, imaginary God – there's actually something out there. So killing according to its will, while evil, isn't necessarily crazy. Even though we don't see He Who Walks Behind The Rows in the flesh (or even see it burrowing underground, as in the infamously cheesy effect from the original), we do see its handiwork as it make the corn stalks come to life to impede the escape of one character. If Borchers really wanted to take religion to task here, he would've had to make the kids truly crazy – zealots under the grip of a superstitious, mob mentality – and not acting at the service of a real entity.
Another issue with this new film is in the casting. Whatever failings the original film had, the one thing that guaranteed it immortality was its genius casting of Isaac and Malachai. In that film, actors John Franklin and Courtney Gains – as Isaac and Malachai, respectively – were about as ideally cast as any evil kids have ever been. They managed to make that ham-handed movie unforgettable (even if you didn't find Franklin's Isaac to be particularly menacing, he was still an indelible presence). On the other hand, the new Isaac (Preston Bailey) and the new Malachai (Daniel Newman) come up wanting in all areas. Bailey's Isaac, in particular, is just ridiculous. I can't fault the actor completely, although his voice really should've stopped taken him out of the running at the first audition. However, even the most chilling performance wouldn't have been able to overcome the gi-normous hat that Bailey is given to wear in this movie. Maybe Borchers believes that giant hats are innately terrifying. Other than that possibility, I'm at a loss to explain why Bailey was outfitted with a hat big enough to hide a twenty-pound monkey.
And finally, as the squabbling couple that find themselves driving through the wrong area of Middle America, David Anders (as Burt) and Kandyse McClure (as Vicky) are not a very endearing pair. Anders and McClure make a valiant effort to make their flawed characters interesting but the dialogue they're saddled with, composed of near-constant arguing, makes any kind of likeability impossible. Vicky comes off as the more sympathetic character of the two, if only because she has something that Burt clearly lacks – a functioning brain. Long after it becomes apparent that something is terribly wrong about the town of Gatlin, Nebraska, Burt insists on seeking out the authorities to report the accident in which he ran over a young boy who bolted into the road from out of the cornfields. Even though the boy had his throat slashed prior to the accident and even though Gatlin is obviously a ghost town at best, Burt refuses to listen to Vicky's increasingly desperate pleas to either keep driving ahead or to go back the way they came. This kind of denial of a) his wife's feelings and b) reality, make Burt look like a special brand of moron. Burt's obliviousness hits its apex when he's aimlessly poking around a church while outside in the street Vicky is frantically honking the car horn for help and a group of kids are in the process of bludgeoning the car into scrap metal. There’s so much noise between Vicky's screams, the blaring horn, and all the windshields shattering, the inability of Burt to be aware of the commotion reaches comical proportions.
Throughout the film, Burt never seems capable of reacting to any situation in a sane or competent fashion. You'd think that after the kids of Gatlin make their presence known and that it's clear that these kids are a murderous gang of munchkins, that the gravity of the situation would click a little harder with Burt but he talks to them the way he talks to Vicky – like they're the idiots and he's the one in charge. At one point Burt asks these kids where their parents are but given the circumstances – Vicky is missing (likely dead), their car is utterly destroyed, and there's a mob of kids all holding weapons – "where's your parents?" doesn't seem to be a useful question. Rationality has gone out the window and this dumb ass is the last one to realize it.
For those who want to know more about the production of this latest chapter in the Children of the Corn saga, this DVD (with additional footage from its SyFy premiere, involving a sex scene late in the film) provides a 45-minute making-of feature entitled Rough Cuts: Remaking Children of the Corn. This doc is divided into four parts – "New Directions," "Cast of the Corn," "To Live And Die in Gatlin," and "Fly on the Wall." It does an adequate job of detailing all facets of the production but if there's one lesson to be learned from a half-century of Children of the Corn, it's the less time spent in Gatlin, the better. In the future, I think I'll stay away from any further Children of the Corn movies. Just call it a religious epiphany.
Comments
Posted by: Marjorie Alexander on October 21, 2009 at 20:22:18
Wow! Did we watch the same movie?
There is by no means whatsoever actually a HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS in this film.
That was the point.
Isaac gives the nod to Malachai and his gag at the church to go into the cornfield at night. Burt is suffering from infection, dehydration and hallucinations.
Burt is killed just as Vicky was, by the children who kill in the name of a false prophet.
Posted by: Eo on October 22, 2009 at 01:21:51
nothing to be suprised about marjorie..just another ****ty review from this ****ty reviewer...i almost look forward to each of his reviews just so i can continue to see them get worse..
Posted by: Jeff Allard on October 22, 2009 at 08:13:42
Marjorie, there is a scene late in the film where the corn fields come to life - clearly the handiwork of He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Unless the artistic intent of that scene eluded me, that is. But then you'd still have the poor acting, ham-fisted dialogue, miscast kids, and suspenseless pacing to content with so my 2 out of 10 review would still stand.
Posted by: monsterofjonesboro on October 22, 2009 at 11:36:12
to me, the scene with the corn coming to life was a hallucination on burt's part. he was already seeing "the black pajamas" early on so in his mind, the corn could be coming alive too. so, i agree. there is no he who walks behind the rows. they should've gotten the kids from the more scarier movie The Children in this. at least they were somewhat menacing. courtney gains should find the guy who played Malachi and kick his ass for pissing all over this performance.
Posted by: Jeff Allard on October 22, 2009 at 13:42:36
monsterofjonesboro, you make a good point with Burt's Vietnam flashbacks but as the film closely follows the ending of King's short story in which the kids are unable to catch and kill Burt, forcing He Who Walks Behind The Rows to commit the act himself, I'm sticking with the supernatural explanation.
Posted by: Macabre Madness on October 26, 2009 at 16:42:14
I really enjoyed this remake. I'm not blind to it's flaws, but I'm happy to have it around.
Posted by: Eo on October 28, 2009 at 14:31:52
i thought this movie came out in 85? Not saying your wrong jeff and who cares which it is, just curious
Posted by: Marjorie Alexander on October 29, 2009 at 14:32:51
Jeff , You are mistaking Burt's hallucinations, which are clearly established by his visions of Vietnam, with a real HWWBTR. We see Vicky's cross being made when Ruth is introduced. Malachai explains clearly that no one goes in the corn after dark. Then we see him lead 5 or 6 others into the corn after dark and minutes before Burt's demise. Burt hallucinates Vicky speaking. He's finally crucified in the exact same fashion as Vicky. The whole point of the movie seems to be how foolhardy it is to kill in the name of God. This point being underscored by a small child claiming to be a prophet that speaks to God. He is clearly lying.
FYI - Original film was released theatrically March 1984
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